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The many ways to remember a loved one
A seismic, post-pandemic shift in the nation’s attitude to death means we’re more open than ever to talking about our end-of-life wishes and how we’d like our own funeral carried out.
Here we explore the unique and personal ways that people are choosing to keep the memories of their loved ones alive, and how the rise of funeral personalisation is helping to celebrate the lives we live.
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Text Dawn Collinson, Janet Tansley
Images Co-op, Getty
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Every funeral is personal and
Co-op Funeralcare will help deliver a meaningful tribute
When ketchup lover Lauren passed away, her family knew her favourite condiment had to feature in a special floral arrangement.
Condiment crazy
Mark served over 50 years in the military, so what better transport for his final ride than a Land Rover hearse?
Service vehicle
Sometimes simple is best. "Just pop me on the back of my van," was the final wish of one father from Redcar.
Fuss-free farewell
One funeral procession was headed by the family dog Cookie – complete with pink ribbon to match the funeral team.
Pup procession
A hearse modelled on the famous Reliant Regal from Only Fools and Horses was the perfect send-off for one superfan.
‘Cushty' cheerio
Chapter One:
Remembering a loved one
she died, Coleen Nolan’s sister Bernie told her, “You can cry for two weeks, then you have to stop and get on with it.”
“And I’ll always remember that,” says Coleen, “because she is right – there is no point continually crying.
“My coping mechanism is I always have to find the funny in it. But it’s important to accept and understand that everybody grieves differently.”
The singer and Loose Women star has just launched a new five-episode podcast series, in which she chats to celebrity friends about their experiences of death and grief, as well as sharing her own. She talks to TV and stage performer Debbie McGee about the death of her husband, magician Paul Daniels; singer Jake Quickenden, whose father and brother died of cancer; author Candice Brathwaite, who lost her dad in her 20s; and actor Gary Hollywood, whose brother passed away in lockdown. Coleen also talks to her sister Linda about losing her husband of 26 years, Brian.
Each week in Let’s Talk About Grief, Coleen will touch on a different theme, from losing a parent, sibling or a spouse to finding happiness again.
She will also be joined by Co-op Funeralcare experts, who’ll explain how the company provides support to those who are grieving, both before and after the funeral, as well as the importance of keepsakes and memorials. In addition, specialists from Cruse Bereavement Support – which partners with Co-op Funeralcare – will offer advice on dealing with grief.
“It’s an important topic to be able to talk about,” says Coleen. “It just seems to be so different for everyone.
“I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to grieve, but I think people feel that there is. That’s why things like this podcast are great. It will get people to open up more – and also to understand, and maybe relate to some of the stories.
You can't cry for ever
“When you’re grieving it’s a really solitary feeling. You don’t feel that anyone understands the pain you’re in. Or you have that moment of ‘I don’t know how to get out of bed’ or ‘I don’t know how to move on’. When you hear other people’s experiences, that helps – it makes you go, ‘Oh it’s OK, because they felt like that as well.’”
Coleen’s sister, the actress and singer Bernie Nolan, was just 52 when she died in 2013, after being diagnosed with breast cancer three years earlier.
Coleen finds comfort in remembering her from their singing days as The Nolans: “I don’t want to think of Bernie at the end of her life because that was horrible to watch, but I remember our touring days and before she got ill, and how funny she was.”
People’s reactions have often helped when she’s been finding it hard: “I’ve had people come up and have literally just given me a hug and not said a word, and sometimes that’s all I need. Equally, if someone tells me, ‘I remember when Bernie did this and she was amazing,’ then that’s lovely as well.”
Coleen explains that being there for someone can mean letting them know you’re at the end of the phone, or asking if they want you to pop over. It can even mean tough love, like if her sister Linda has one too many “duvet days”: “Then we say, ‘No, you’re not having it again, up you get.’ Because the problem is you can just sink further and further.
“I don’t celebrate Bernie on her birthday or the day she died or at Christmas; I celebrate her every day in my heart.” There is no time frame for grief, she adds. “If it’s someone you love, you’ll miss them for ever, but you learn to live with it, and it becomes a beautiful memory instead of a sad one.”
You’ll miss that person forever, but you learn to live with it and it becomes a beautiful memory instead of a sad one
Coleen with sister, Linda
Jake lost his brother and dad to cancer
However you’re feeling at a specific time, go with it. Don’t fight against an
emotion and be honest to yourself. Those closest will respect this completely and will be there if required.
Steve Casey
Tanya Mountjoy
Practical things help – sorting through paperwork or finishing a job they left undone. But after that stage, create new memories. Visit new places or walk a different route to keep your attention facing outwards to others.
The best way to move forward after a loss is to allow yourself to go through the stages of grief. Remember that you should not compare the way you grieve with how someone else is dealing with grief.
Lord-George McFadzean-Hopkin
Just reach out, don’t lock yourself away. Talk about your loved one. Think about them every day. They say time is a healer. It doesn’t heal, just gets a little easier.
Richard Rowlands
Barbara Grundy
Grief is like carrying
a very heavy backpack that you carry for a long time. It doesn’t get any lighter, you
just find ways to carry it better.
Grief is the price we pay for love. It takes us through so many different emotions we may not want to feel. You need to be able to express these emotions, it’s all part of the grieving process.
Anna Holdich
There isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve, and everyone’s experience is different. Here, people from across the UK share advice on how to handle bereavement...
Remembering a loved one
Are you grieving? Help is always at hand with thanks to
Co-op Funeralcare can help those experiencing loss in so many ways – from creating a personal funeral service to dealing with bereavement
Arranging the funeral
Listening to your needs
Creating memories
The Co-op Funeralcare team will work closely with you to make sure the funeral is a personal celebration for the life of your loved one.
From funeral flowers to special keepsakes and memorials, Co-op Funeralcare has all you need to create a unique tribute.
Life after they've gone
After the funeral
Community support
Along with grief support we have expertise in many areas such as wills or dealing with the estate or finances of the person who has died.
Joining a group to talk with others who are grieving can help and give a renewed sense of purpose.
When a loved one dies
Bereavement support
Co-op Funeralcare can help with all that needs to be done. We’re with you every step of the way.
Co-op Funeralcare has partnered with Cruse Bereavement Support to offer online advice both for those grieving and the people supporting them.
Before the funeral
CHAPTER ONE
Coleen Nolan
opens up
about how she
deals with grief
When you're grieving it's a really solitary feeling. You don't feel that anyone understands the pain you're in
You'll miss that person for ever, but you learn to live with it and it becomes a beautiful memory instead of
a sad one
the funeral of a loved one is understandably a focus for families after that person dies and, for some, can help them start to process their grief.
“If you know you are doing something for your loved one by arranging their funeral, it can help the grieving process,” says Tracey Harriman, a funeral arranger for Co-op Funeralcare who is also a volunteer with Cruse Bereavement Support.
For the most fitting funeral service, if you’re clear about what a person’s wishes were, or the person who has died has told family what they'd like for their send-off, it can help enormously – especially these days, when you can have a tailor-made service.
“At Co-op Funeralcare we give as many options as we can,” says Tracey. “After all, you’re reflecting the interests of the person who died, you’re celebrating a person’s life.”
With coffins, for example, some people opt for the unusual, such as ones shaped like a boat or Dr Who’s Tardis. People can even personalise their hearse, like one Only Fools and Horses superfan who wanted one styled like Del Boy Trotter's van .
You can also request that people wear alternatives to traditional black outfits. Tracey has known services where the funeral director and bearers have been asked to dress as Darth Vader and his Imperial stormtroopers.
“It’s individual touches like these that make a funeral service special and personal. And it’s comforting that you have arranged the funeral and service they would have wanted,” says Tracey.
“It’s difficult to talk about death. But however awkward those conversations, there are ways in and the sooner you can introduce them the easier it is to talk about it when the time comes.
“Like watching a TV programme where a funeral’s taking place, and saying, ‘I don’t like that idea’ or ‘I like that.’
“And if people can rest in the knowledge that they’ve given someone the perfect send-off, it will help to give a little bit of peace and closure.”
Dealing with grief
CHAPTER
TWO
Arrange a funeral that's as perfect as the person you've lost
People can even personalise their hearse. Co-op Funeralcare has arranged a Del Boy Trotter-style van hearse
Organising
Before
You're reflecting the interests of the person who died, you're marking their passing and you're celebrating a person's life
Source: facebook.com/coopfuneralcare
How to cope with the pain of losing a child
never get over a child’s death, you just learn to live with it – and that’s the hardest part,” says Sue Gill, a volunteer with Cruse Bereavement Support, which partners with Co-op Funeralcare to help people dealing with grief.
Losing a child is one of the most painful things that can happen to parents, and on top of the sadness they’re often overwhelmed with other emotions, including guilt.
“Everybody’s suffering is unique; there’s no right way to grieve. But with the death of a child it can be harder,” says Sue. “You don’t just lose your child, you lose the future you’ve anticipated.”
"YOU
When a child dies parents can feel guilty – that they could have prevented their child’s death. Whatever parents experience, it’s vital they can address that grief in a manner that gives them comfort.
“If you’re angry, remember you have a right to be angry: losing a child is really unfair!” says Sue. “Go out with the dog and shout and scream and say all the swear words you can – whatever helps you.
“Or it might be a case of simply sitting for five minutes every morning and feeling sad. But if you’re struggling, reaching out to an organisation like Cruse can be really important.”
It can help to realise people react differently to a child’s death, especially as men and women can grieve differently.
Jake lost his brother and dad to cancer
Coleen with experts Manny Badyal and Lucy Dennis
Coleen chats with sister Linda
Arranging a funeral helps with grief, says Tracey
half of all adults have experienced the loss of a loved one in the past five years*, according to new research from the UK’s leading funeral provider Co-op Funeralcare.
But while losing someone close to us is always devastating, it’s clear that our attitudes towards death have changed since the pandemic.
Three-quarters of those who would like to have a funeral feel comfortable talking about their wishes, with the solemnity of religious settings falling out of favour with British adults, and the trend for traditional black hearses and sombre attire declining in favour of more uplifting and personalised funerals.
OVER
In 2019, an estimated 20 million Brits wanted their funeral to be a celebration of life. However, Co-op Funeralcare research reveals an estimated 35 million now share this wish*.
We’ve worked with Co-op Funeralcare experts to offer some practical advice and support for coping with a bereavement, and explore some of the many unique ways that people are choosing to remember loved ones.
We’ve spoken to celebrities who discuss their own experiences of grief and reveal how a great deal of comfort can often be found from knowing that a funeral is being carried out in the way a loved one wanted.
75%
Three-quarters of Britons who would like to have a funeral feel comfortable talking about their wishes
44%
say personalising a funeral reminds guests of the personality of their loved one
40%
of 18- to 24-year-olds have already spent time thinking about their own funeral
Arranging a funeral helps with grief, says Tracey
13 years Brian has been gone and I only cleared his wardrobe out two years ago. I couldn't bear it. I'd go up, open the door and then close it
I really can't imagine Paul being on stage. As soon as I do that the floodgates will open and I'll still cry like I did on the day he died
You can never feel guilty about moving on with your life when you’ve lost somebody. It doesn’t mean you love them any less
That's one thing about death – it teaches you how to live, and it teaches you to appreciate life
What I would say to anyone would be to talk. I wasn't talking. I was keeping everything in. My wife said: 'It's OK to cry'
Podcast guests talk about grief
“Men are stereotypically expected to be brave, but they can be in just as much pain. Those supporting them need to be mindful of that.
”There are some positive actions families can take to celebrate a child’s life, which can help them grieve.”
Sue advises: “Cherish a child by sharing memories of them; create a memory box with souvenirs. If it’s coming up to a first anniversary, do something to celebrate a child’s life, rather than simply remember their death.”
Remember, there are no rules for processing your grief and remembering a child. Whatever you choose, it’s up to you.
Cherish a child by sharing memories of them; create a memory box with souvenirs. If it's coming up to a first anniversary, do something to celebrate a child's life, rather than simply remember their death
Mums and dads can grieve in different ways
Why losing a
suddenly can
loved one
leave so many
unanswered
questions
THERE'S
never an easy way to lose a person who’s special to you. But if they’ve died unexpectedly, feelings of grief and disorientation can become even harder to cope with.
We can find ourselves tormented by “what ifs” and “if onlys” when we haven’t had a proper chance to say goodbye.
Lucy Dennis, project manager for the Connecting Communities project at Cruse Bereavement Support, says a sudden death can leave people struggling with a lack of closure.
“When you’re expecting a death, you have a much higher level of anticipatory grief,” she explains. “When it’s unexpected, all the feelings you weren’t prepared for hit you all of a sudden, and you can feel lost and consumed by confusing emotions.
“Without having that time to prepare and to think, ‘What is my life going to look like after this happens?’, you’re suddenly in a world that feels very unfamiliar.
“Situations like this can lead to a much more complicated type of grief because it’s harder to process.”
One way to come to terms with a sudden loss is to have a personal keepsake, such as a piece of jewellery.
“Some might be suddenly feeling lost without that person, so having something physical to represent them or remember them by can take on more meaning,” explains Lucy.
And there are practical ways to make grief easier. “In those first weeks following an unexpected death, writing a letter or a poem to that person as a goodbye is really useful. It’s about finding a way of communicating your feelings.
“Letters and memory boxes can help to give a sense of an ending where maybe an ending hasn’t been possible. Creating a memory box after a funeral can help create some kind of closure to a relationship, while also keeping that person alive in your memory.”
Co-op Funeralcare has lots of ways to help you remember someone. Whatever you choose is a very personal matter, but it could give you comfort both now and in years to come. For more information, visit coop.co.uk/afterthefuneral.
No one has to deal with bereavement alone.
For more information and advice, visit coop.co.uk/bereavementhelp
Download the Let's Talk About Grief podcast
Linda Nolan
Debbie McGee
Jake Quickenden
Candice Brathwaite
Gary Hollywood
MP CAROLYN HARRIS
remembers sitting in her front room the day after her eight-year-old son Martin died and wondering why everyone outside the window was behaving as if nothing had happened. Their world hadn’t changed, of course. But hers had just been shattered.
“I was looking out at people, and saw the mail man go past, and the milkman’s float, and thinking: haven’t they been told, don’t they know what’s happened?
“It takes a long time to understand that every day people are dying, every day people are left grieving, and you can’t stop the world.”
Carolyn, deputy leader of Welsh Labour, has since become a fierce advocate for bereavement issues in Parliament.
She campaigned for free children’s burials and cremations, which led to the introduction of the government’s Children’s Funeral Fund in 2019 – which now meets the cost of fees – after she was forced to take out a loan to pay for Martin’s funeral.
'I think about my son every day'
On November 28, Carolyn hosted Co-op Funeralcare and Cruse UK’s Connecting Communities Event to launch the UK Bereavement Commission’s Report published in September. One of the recommendations was to recognise the importance of communities in supporting people who have experienced bereavement.
She also believes very much in the importance of talking about loss and grief – when at first that was tough for her to do.
Carolyn, now 62, was only 29 when Martin was killed in a road accident. “I have spent more of my life grieving than not grieving, and it took me a long time to talk about it,” says Carolyn, the MP for Swansea East.
“It’s still painful, but it’s cathartic to do it, and to channel the negatives of grief into something constructive and positive.
“It’s better for the community, for the family, and for the individual – it’s good for your mental health.”
Initially after Martin died, Carolyn kept her grief private, internalising the pain, and fearing catastrophe in every innocent event. “If my husband David was five minutes late home from work, something bad had happened to him,” recalls Carolyn, who has another son, Stuart.
“I went from being a mum with kids, doing what mums with kids do, to feeling there was nothing normal ever going to happen in my life again.
“You very much think: I don’t ever want to enjoy anything again – and that you’ll never stop feeling this awful. “In the acute stages of grief, you’re embarrassed to be seen doing anything other than crying because you think people will view you as a bad person, a bad mother, or a bad wife.”
For years Carolyn avoided talking about Martin, for fear of being overwhelmed by the pain and the guilt she felt. But she says now: “Unless you talk about grief, you’ll go through life with it gradually chipping away at you. “Talking about it takes the edge off not so much the grief, but the intensity of the grief. You learn that other people are feeling what you’re feeling.
“There’s never a day when I don’t think about Martin and sometimes it’s pleasant, it’s nice, and it warms me. Other days it’s too painful. Then I just say: ‘Give me 10 minutes to get my thinking done,’ and I can move on. But it’s taken me years to be able to do that.”
Carolyn's late son Martin
Carolyn with Martin and Stuart
It takes a
long time to understand that every day people are dying, every day people are grieving, and you can't stop the world
I have spent more of my life grieving than not grieving, and it took me a long time to talk about it
Next >
< Previous
*Source: All figures, unless otherwise stated, are from YouGov Plc. Total sample size was 2,053 adults. Fieldwork was undertaken October 28-31, 2022.
The survey was carried out online. The figures have been weighted and are representative of all UK adults (aged 18+)
half of all adults have experienced the loss of a loved one in the past five years*, according to new research from the UK’s leading funeral provider Co-op Funeralcare.
But while losing someone close to us is always devastating, it’s clear that our attitudes towards death have changed since the pandemic.
Three-quarters of those who would like to have a funeral feel comfortable talking about their wishes, with the solemnity of religious settings falling out of favour with British adults, and the trend for traditional black hearses and sombre attire declining in favour of more uplifting and personalised funerals.
In 2019, an estimated 20 million Brits wanted their funeral to be a celebration of life. However, Co-op Funeralcare research reveals an estimated 35 million now share this wish*.
We’ve worked with Co-op Funeralcare experts to offer some practical advice and support for coping with a bereavement, and explore some of the many unique ways that people are choosing to remember loved ones.
We’ve spoken to celebrities who discuss their own experiences of grief and reveal how a great deal of comfort can often be found from knowing that a funeral is being carried out in the way a loved one wanted.
Are you grieving? Help is always at hand with thanks to
Co-op Funeralcare can help those experiencing loss in so many ways – from creating a personal funeral service to dealing with bereavement
Arranging the funeral
Listening to your needs
Creating memories
The Co-op Funeralcare team will work closely with you to make sure the funeral is a personal celebration for the life of your loved one.
From funeral flowers to special keepsakes and memorials, Co-op Funeralcare has all you need to create a unique tribute.
Life after they've gone
After the funeral
Community support
Along with grief support we have expertise in many areas such as wills or dealing with the estate or finances of the person who has died.
Joining a group to talk with others who are grieving can help and give a renewed sense of purpose.
When a loved one dies
Bereavement support
Co-op Funeralcare can help with all that needs to be done. We’re with you every step of the way.
Co-op Funeralcare has partnered with Cruse Bereavement Support to offer online advice both for those grieving and the people supporting them.
Before the funeral
Dealing with grief
CHAPTER TWO
never an easy way to lose a person who’s special to you. But if they’ve died unexpectedly, feelings of grief and disorientation can become even harder to cope with.
We can find ourselves tormented by “what ifs” and “if onlys” when we haven’t had a proper chance to say goodbye.
Lucy Dennis, project manager for the Connecting Communities project at Cruse Bereavement Support, says a sudden death can leave people struggling with a lack of closure.
“When you’re expecting a death, you have a much higher level of anticipatory grief,” she explains. “When it’s unexpected, all the feelings you weren’t prepared for hit you all of a sudden, and you can feel lost and consumed by confusing emotions.
“Without having that time to prepare and to think, ‘What is my life going to look like after this happens?’, you’re suddenly in a world that feels very unfamiliar.
“Situations like this can lead to a much more complicated type of grief because it’s harder to process.”
One way to come to terms with a sudden loss is to have a personal keepsake, such as a piece of jewellery.
“Some might be suddenly feeling lost without that person, so having something physical to represent them or remember them by can take on more meaning,” explains Lucy.
And there are practical ways to make grief easier. “In those first weeks following an unexpected death, writing a letter or a poem to that person as a goodbye is really useful. It’s about finding a way of communicating your feelings.
“Letters and memory boxes can help to give a sense of an ending where maybe an ending hasn’t been possible. Creating a memory box after a funeral can help create some kind of closure to a relationship, while also keeping that person alive in your memory.”
Co-op Funeralcare has lots of ways to help you remember someone. Whatever you choose is a very personal matter, but it could give you comfort both now and in years to come. For more information, visit coop.co.uk/afterthefuneral.
However you’re feeling at a specific time, go with it. Don’t fight against an
emotion and be honest to yourself. Those closest will respect this completely and will be there if required.
Steve Casey
Tanya Mountjoy
Practical things help – sorting through paperwork or finishing a job they left undone. But after that stage, create new memories. Visit new places or walk a different route to keep your attention facing outwards to others.
The best way to move forward after a loss is to allow yourself to go through the stages of grief. Remember that you should not compare the way you grieve with how someone else is dealing with grief.
Lord-George McFadzean-Hopkin
< Previous
Just reach out, don’t lock yourself away. Talk about your loved one. Think about them every day. They say time is a healer. It doesn’t heal, just gets a little easier.
Richard Rowlands
Barbara Grundy
Grief is like carrying
a very heavy backpack that you carry for a long time. It doesn’t get any lighter, you
just find ways to carry it better.
Grief is the price we pay for love. It takes us through so many different emotions we may not want to feel. You need to be able to express these emotions, it’s all part of the grieving process.
Anna Holdich
Next >
Source: facebook.com/coopfuneralcare
There isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve, and everyone’s experience is different. Here, people from across the UK share advice on how to handle bereavement...